"So what happened?" I tried asking myself the moment I started typing this..
I actually don't wanna recall everything that happened ever since.
Everything that pops in my mind are despicable things that happened to me.. or rather..
despicable things I did..
I thought that I was too matured for my age. Well maybe some parts of me.
Yet, I can't deny the fact that I'm still too young to understand some more things..
Like, accepting the fact that there are people who only happened to pass by our lives.
Accepting the truth that you can't be the top priority of one.
Accepting that I can be so selfish..
Well there are lots more.
And really, I came up to realize that.
I've become a very closed shell. I never really opened up much, and if I did.. not completely.
I'm not very sure why, there's something blocking my words.. I don't know. But I guess that is the only thing my confidence can never overcome.. Well God only knows.
'Still, as the days come by, I've really learned and realized a lot of things, including the negative things that my secretive side could cause. It did trouble me to open up my feelings and my problems regarding people in emotional and bond terms.
I could really despise myself as soon as I realized how kind my friends are to me. I did a lot of despicable stuff. I lost to my ego and inattentively did the worst I could do to them. I lost my mind, I cried to my heart's content for I've hurt the ones who are very important in my life. In my mind, I asked for the Lord's forgiveness, my family's and the people who are relying their hopes on me. I also asked myself multiple times.. "Who am I?" "Rhaion, is this you?" "How could you do such thing?!" "What is your right to do such things to them?!" "I don't know who am I anymore." .. And as I came to realization back there, for the first time, I decided to leave them.. Why? Because I thought to myself that I no longer deserve them. I'm aware that I'm a big pain in the butt. And so, I've made up my mind and turned my back, 'still not walking away..
I did nothing right, like who am I to still stay? I'm really ashamed of myself already.. So I will leave. They may get hurt for my disappearance, but I don't wanna cause more pain in their hearts. So I'll just go.
I thought that was the right decision, but I'm wrong.
That just an escape route. And I didn't realize that it's the thing I'm aiming.
I was a coward after all..
I lost trust to myself. I never believed that they could forgive me, yet I lost track and didn't realize that they are still hoping on me.
I'm really the worst back then.. It took me days before I could cope up the courage to ask for forgiveness.
No, it's not pride that held me back, it's fear.
I only handed them letters of apology. I'm really weak when it comes to oral expression, I'm really good in expressing myself on written papers or typing like this. I'm still ashamed of myself because that's all I could do but they still forgave me. And I'm glad they did. It took me time before I could get rid of my shyness.
I've decided then to change myself, not just for me but for my friends and family.
Really, I could get myself into trouble if I'm on work and I can't express myself better.
And here we are, I lost track of some stuff again.. It's not really that major but it's getting a bit more worse than minor stuff..
It may be caused by ego or bad vibes.. But I'm not the prime suspect.. I'm more like a victim..
I think this could be a good practice for my expressions.. But my love one will be on risk.. Eve may walk out of my life..
I don't know what I did wrong, but I'll ask 'coz for sure I know things are caused by a big misunderstanding that she started. But I can't really blame her if she had the worst of her days. All I could wish now is to express the depths of my feelings to her and how our bond is going to be a waste if we can't settle things..
I do hope she'll give me the chance to talk to her and lend me her hearing ear..
May everyone wish me luck..
That is all I could wish right now..
Signed..
Rhaion
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